Jared had made Jensen hang up the phone straight away, his expression conveying panic and desperation. Looking back on it, Jensen must have thought he was in pain or something, because he hung up immediately and leaned over to rest a cool palm on his forehead.
“Jay, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” He muttered.
Jared flinched at the unexpected contact; even though Jensen’s hand was cold, he felt like a mark had just been printed on his forehead, marking his feelings for the world to see, “Yeah I’m fine, it’s just…”
Jensen stared at him in concern, Jared’s behaviour probably wasn’t convincing him much that he was ok and truth be told, suddenly he didn’t think he was, “Just what?”
Jared gestured at his phone, “You can’t…not…not them!”
Understanding dawned on Jensen’s face, and he immediately leant back, widening the distance between Jared and himself, “You don’t trust me?”
Jared blinked, thrown by the sudden cool tone Jensen was using, “I trust you, Jensen. I don’t trust them, they started this for you, they fucking ruined you, and you don’t even seem to care.”
It was only when Jensen glanced at his hands with a startled expression that he realised his fists were clenched, and his nails were biting into his palms, leaving half moon furrows in his skin.
“Right,” Jensen coughed uneasily, “Well…I…”
“I thought you were gonna try, stay here and try!” Jared burst out, “You’re not gonna magically get better Jensen, you have to give yourself to it, and damn well want it. You fucking want it right? You want to keep your job? Hiatus isn’t gonna last forever Jen, you can’t go back to Vancouver addicted to heroin, man! Kripke’s gonna notice, everyone’s gonna notice.”
Jensen’s eyes were wide, and sparking with anger, but deep within Jared could see fear, “Don’t think you know anything about me Jared, you can’t just assume...”
Jared interrupted him, “I’m not fucking assuming anything, I just…I just want you better.”
His voice cracked slightly and Jensen dropped his gaze, unwilling to let Jared see the guilt there.
“Jay,” Jensen started, his voice quiet and meek, “I’m gonna try…I promise, but they’re my friends, and they’re part of this too. They need help as well.”
But I don’t love them Jared thought, and then flushed slightly, even though he knew Jensen couldn’t have heard his thought. Jensen looked so miserable and alone, his arms ached to reach out and comfort him, but he wasn’t sure how to act around Jensen now. Should he carry on with the random touching he used to do, just out of habit? He didn’t want to overdo it though, and fuck, he was thinking about it too much.
“So I guess…this is it then,” Jensen spoke, a more determined edge to his voice but guilt still clouded his eyes, “I’ll just…stay here until it’s over and...then I’ll help Chris and Steve.”
Jared saw the fear and the dismay in his eyes, and knew it didn’t matter whether he overdid it or not. He leant forward and wrapped his arms around Jensen, holding him tight and not letting him go. He’d never let him go.
~**~
Jared woke up, cramped and bent in odd places, with an unfamiliar weight crushing the right side of his body.
“Nngghh,” He groaned, trying to stretch his arm out, but only punched said Unfamiliar Weight in the face.
“Whaaa?”
“Jensen?” Jared cried in surprise, trying to jump up off the couch, but his legs were still tangled with Jensen’s. All he managed to do was swear loudly, before tripping backwards and falling onto the floor, knocking his arm on the coffee table as he fell.
He groaned in pain and raised his head, testing his legs to see if they were still working. Only to see Jensen’s sleepy eyes blinking at him from the safety of the couch, “What the fuck just happened?”
Jared opened his mouth and shut it, not really sure how to answer. How could he say I woke up next to you, and was totally about to sprout wood because you looked so fucking pretty, without freaking Jensen out? Oh wait, that’s right, he couldn’t!
So instead he croaked, “Uh…just surprised…and….needthetoilet,” before jumping up and half-running, half-limping out of the room, leaving Jensen blinking in confusion up at the ceiling.
How had they managed to get in that position? He could have sworn he was holding Jensen, comforting him, then suddenly…nothing. He’d never been one to fall asleep easily like that.
He sighed heavily, and let his head fall back against the bathroom door he’d shut behind him. This was beyond fucked up. How he could have let himself get into this position was beyond him. Two months ago, if someone had told him he’d be hiding from Jensen, in his bathroom, because he loved him and wanted to fuck him but couldn’t, because Jensen didn’t like him like that and, oh yeah, was addicted to heroin, he’d have punched them in the face, and stood on their head as he stepped over them.
And that thought freaked him the fuck out, he was still trying to process the revelation he’d made about himself. He’d never realized something so clearly before and he knew, without a doubt, he wanted Jensen. But he was a guy and his best friend, and this was all so new and different he didn’t know how to react.
Jared breathed out slowly, and splashed some water on his face, before squaring his shoulders and opening the door.
“Jesus Christ!” He shouted, as he nearly walked into someone standing right outside the door.
“Nope, just me,” Sandy said, smiling grimly at him.
“Oh,” Jared said, his stomach twisting at the expression on her face. He knew what was coming. It had been in the air between them for a while now. He’d been expecting it, but that didn’t make it hurt any less.
“Jared,” She started, and he held up a hand to stop her.
“Don’t, just you don’t have to say it, it’s fine. I…I’m sorry Sandy. You deserve better,” He couldn’t look her in the eye, couldn’t confront all the things she wanted him to admit to.
A choked off cry caught his attention though, and he looked up just as a tear slip slid down her cheek, tracing a path across her skin and wavering, teetering on her chin, before falling to the floor.
She was biting her lip, as if to hold back the tears, and then she burst out angrily, “Damnit! I didn’t want to cry, I’m sorry.”
Jared stepped forward and gathered her in his arms, soothing, comforting, familiar, “Hey, hey Sandy, you have nothing to be sorry for. You didn’t need this, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I did this to you.”
Tears were spilling out of his eyes now as well, hot, too hot, burning his eyes with guilt as they fell down onto her hair.
She pulled away after a few second and sniffed, before gesturing at the bags littering the hallway. He’d missed those in his frenzied rush to the bathroom, “I’ve got some stuff packed, I’ll be back in a few days maybe, to get everything else.”
“Do you have somewhere to stay?” His voice was low and soft. He felt like he was suffocating, like someone was ripping out his lungs through a hole in his chest.
She smiled through her tears, “Yeah, my cousins have a house just outside of the city. I’ll be around Jared…if you need me. I still want…I want to be in your life. Just, not like it was.”
Jared nodded and let her go, his fingers tracing a path down to the end of hers before they separated, and the space between them grew.
She sniffed once more, and swiped her sleeve across her eyes, before turning her back and picking up the bags. A car honked outside, and she walked to the door and waved at whoever it was. It was then that Jared realised she must have been planning this for a while.
The thought just made him feel worse, and he spoke without thinking, “Sandy…”
She turned abruptly, as if she had been waiting for him to say something, to deny it was true, even though she was more sure about it than he was.
“I’m sorry.”
She was silent, but then nodded, “Me too, Jared. Look after him, okay?”
He couldn’t say anything, afraid that if he spoke, his voice would crack like eggshells, and she’d see how fucking scared he was. He settled for nodding and then she was gone.
The hallway was empty, and once he inspected the bedroom, he realised her cupboards were mostly empty. The remnants of his old life were fractured, gone or leaving.
A muffled snore from the TV room caught his attention and reminded him of his new life, his new responsibilities. Jensen.
~**~
Five minutes later and Jensen knew the whole story. Well, not the whole story because that would entail Jared telling him exactly why Sandy had left him.
And he wasn’t going to be doing that. Ever.
Jensen scooted up the sofa, being extremely understanding, considering he’d just woken up five minutes ago, and Jensen usually needed at least two hours, and five cups of strong, hot coffee to wake up.
“Jared, I’m so sorry, it wasn’t…I mean, I didn’t…?” He let the question trail off, unsure if he actually wanted to know the answer.
Jared sighed, and dropped down onto the sofa next to him, “Can we just not talk about this right now?”
Jensen stiffened, and Jared could practically feel the guilt rolling off of him, “It wasn’t you, alright? I just don’t want to talk about it.”
Jared felt Jensen relax, and suddenly his arm was around him, pulling him tight, closer, into the warm cosy huddle of sleep he still had around him. Jensen flicked on the TV and some random action film popped up, providing the background noise he needed in the quiet house.
Jared relaxed into his grip, letting, for once, everything just go. Forgetting, and basking in the feeling of Jensen’s arm around him.
A few minutes later his eyes were fluttering shut and his breathing was evening out. Before he slipped into the depths of sleep he murmured, “Jensen?”
“Mm?” Was the sleepy reply, and Jared could feel it reverberate through his chest, rumbling deep and low in his ears.
“Just…thanks,” Jared said, his words slurred by the approaching oblivion.
Jensen’s response was to tighten his grip around his shoulders momentarily, so Jared felt safe and secure, and then he was gone, the darkness beckoning him into blissful forgetfulness.
Jensen stayed awake a few minutes longer, just watching the rise and fall of Jared’s chest, and ignoring the way his heart was threatening to burst out of his chest with love for this man.
‘The need you buried deep
The secrets that you keep are ever ready
Are you ready?
I'm finished making sense
Done pleading ignorance
That whole defense’
- Foo Fighters ‘The Pretender’
I want to wrap myself in feedback and roll around in it all day, supply me with some plzthxk? =]
Next Chapter...
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credulesque) wrote,
exhausted
