Current mood:	accomplished
Current music:	Robots In Disguise - Turn It Up
Entry tags:	fandom: supernatural rps, fic pairing: jared/jensen, fiction

Long Time Coming Chapter 17/25
Title: Long Time Coming
Genre: Angst/romance/drama
Pairings: Jared/Jensen, some Jared/Sandy
Warnings: Language, smut, hard drug use!
Disclaimer: Ye...yea...nope don't own them.  I am not insinuating Chris and Steve are drug peddlers either, it is merely for this fic that they are supplying Jensen so I can create angsty situations which lead to manschmexin.
Rating: 15
Summary: Jensen can't handle being around Jared anymore, not when his feelings are so strong.  So when hiatus starts and Jared notices Jensen drawing away and acting strange can he find out what's happening in time to save him?

A/N - As always a massive thanks to realscape  for being a super-speedy and generally awesome beta

1~2~3~4~5~6~7~8~9~10~11~12~13~14~15~16~17~18~19~20~21~22~23~24~Epilogue~Soundtrack

Jensen sat in the corner of the shower, hot water pounding down on his shaking shoulders, as he wrapped his arms around himself.  He tried to curl in on himself as much as he could, but he couldn’t stop fucking shivering. His stomach rolled, threatened to rise up into his throat.

He reached up blindly and turned the heat up higher, until the water was scalding him, and steam was hissing out of the shower head.

He wanted out of his skin. It itched, almost as if the blood running through his veins was poisoning him, he wanted to dig in there and scratch his fucking veins.

His nails dug into the skin on his legs as he curled in further. He drew blood, but didn’t care; the pain was secondary compared to everything else.

It had been ages, years, since he’d shot up last, decades, lifetimes.  It had been two days ago.

His body convulsed; waves of revulsion and self-hate rolled through him. He scrambled quickly out of the shower, lunging for the toilet, just in time, as he threw up, retching violently into the bowl.

He fell backwards and lay there sprawled out on the floor, unable to move, just…breathing.  He focused on breathing out; the air being expelled from his body was the hate, the terror, everything bad and what he was breathing in would help, would cleanse him.

He shakily tried sitting up, and his head spun, leaving him disorientated. He leant heavily against the wall, panting with the exertion of attempting to get up.  One heave, and he managed it, but had to stand still, catching his breath and calming his stomach for a few minutes, before he could walk over and turn the water off.

Here, in his little world, he could pretend that this would go away.  Here, he could deny it had ever happened.  But the pain wouldn’t go away, and soon he’d have to leave the room and face Jared.  Face the shame and anger he saw in his eyes, and he didn’t know if he could deal with that anymore.

He knew Jared was trying to help him, but anytime he shook, or threw up, or got so dizzy he nearly fainted, Jared would give him that look, like he’d give a stranger, as if he didn’t know him anymore.

Every time Jared looked at him like that, Jensen’s heart throbbed painfully, and he had to look away.

As though he knew Jensen was thinking about him, a knock on the door heralded Jared’s appearance, “Jen, you okay in there?”

Jensen wrapped a towel around his waist, not bothering with anything else, and opened the door, pasting a smile on his face, unaware it more resembled a grimace, “Yeah, everything’s fine, just thought I’d take up all your hot water.”

Jensen expected a laugh at the least, he’d thought it had been sort of funny, in a not-so-funny sort of way, but Jared was staring at him like he was some complete freak or something. His eyes were wide, and he had a sort of dazed expression on his face.

“Jay?”

Jared’s gaze snapped into focus, and he moved it up to Jensen’s eyes, from where he had apparently been staring at his chest.  Ok, awkward.

“Sorry, just wanted you to know I was taking the dogs for a walk,” Jared’s voice was soft, but there was pain there, and Jensen flinched inwardly, as he remembered that Sandy used to go with him most of the time when he walked the dogs.

“I’m sorry Jay,” He said softly, lifting a hand as if to pat his shoulder comfortingly or something, but he couldn’t. Instead, he changed course half way and scratched his neck nervously.

Sandy leaving hadn’t seemed to affect Jared as much as Jensen thought it would, but it was still eating away at him, and for some reason Jared seemed to think it was all his own fault when clearly it had just been a mutual agreement.  There was no reason Sandy would leave Jared for something he did.

“It’s ok, man, I’ll be like half an hour or something, I’m just taking them up the road,” Jared replied, plastering his own fake smile on his face, and Jensen almost laughed at how pathetic they both were.

A sudden wave of nausea crashed over him, and he almost doubled over in pain, but managed to stop himself. He settled with pressing his lips together tightly and hunching slightly, “Right…see you later.”

Jared looked like he was about to ask him something, but then he was gone, the door slamming behind him, and the sound of barking echoing down the street.

~**~

His ringing phone broke the cold silence of the house, and Jensen grabbed it, wanting to stop the noise that was shattering his silence.  He opened it without checking the caller ID.

“Hello?”

“Jensen.  Long time, no speak buddy, where you at?” 

Jensen froze, his mind instantly going into conflict.  Should he?  Shouldn’t he?

“Steve…I…uh…I can’t…I shouldn’t talk to you,” Jensen winced as he said it. It sounded too harsh.

There was a moment’s silence, and then Steve was talking again, “What’s happened man?”

“I just, I need to be alone, without you!”  Jensen burst out.

“Is this about the drugs?”  Steve asked bluntly, and Jensen realised for the first time that he didn’t sound high, didn’t sound like he was on anything.

“Yes it fucking is. You got me into some bad shit, Steve!”  Jensen cried, his anger at his friends finally coming out all at once.

Steve snorted derisively, “You got yourself into it Jen. We were just the conduits.”

Jensen felt like punching something, hard, “Fuck you Steve, you’re supposed to look out for me.  That’s what a real friend would do, that’s what Jared’s doing.”

It was the wrong thing to say, Steve’s voice held amusement, but had a sharper edge, “So you’re with Jared?  No wonder you suddenly want out, that goody two shoes ruins all the fun you’ll ever have, Jen.  Me and Chris are playing a set tonight at Pete’s Bar. If you want, you can come.  Jared doesn’t rule your life, Jen.  You were enjoying it, and I’m betting the withdrawal is killing you, so let loose.”  His voice held a note of finality, an ultimatum, and Jensen had to choose.

The dial tone echoed through the room as Steve hung up.  The phone slipped from Jensen’s loose fingers and fell to the floor as he stared blankly at the wall, his head spinning with possibilities and ideas, and need, and Jared, but always, forever, there was also heroin.

~**~

Jared opened the front door, letting the dogs run in, barking madly, and sniffing out their favourite spots. 

“Jensen, I’m back,” He shouted into the air, and waited for a reply.  He already had a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, magnified when Jensen didn’t immediately respond.

The lights were all off, there was no background noise; no TV or music, nothing that Jensen always had switched on now to distract himself.

Panic began to well up inside of him, and he walked into the TV room first, praying, hoping that Jensen was asleep.  Stretched out on the sofa like he did sometimes, eyes shut, lashes fluttering as his eyes moved in some dream full of hope, breathing free and easy, innocent. 

He wasn’t there.

Jared leant back against the wall, tears of anger and distress springing up in his eyes.  He couldn’t help it, he’d known, had felt that this might happen, but had done nothing about it. 

He’d left Jensen alone.

His eyes fell on something lying on the floor and he stepped over to it.  Jensen’s phone.  He held it in his hand for a few seconds, not wanting to try it, just in case it was a lost cause, in case there was no hope.  But he mustered up the nerve, and checked the recent calls list.

One name stood out.  Steve’s Cell. 

Jared’s eyes widened in panic, and he bit down on his lip so hard he drew blood.

Fucking hell Jensen, what have you done? 

~**~

It was now or never.  He could turn back, turn back and pretend that this had never happened.  Jared would understand if he came back and wasn’t high. He’d forgive him.

But it was practically calling to him, and he couldn’t resist, not when he was so close.  He crossed the road, and pushed open the door to the bar, letting the familiar noises and smells wash over him. Bringing a sense of eagerness, as he associated them with the impending high.

His arm itched in anticipation, and he walked through the crowd, ignoring everyone, only on the lookout for himself.  He stood on people’s feet, pushed them slightly to move. He didn’t care. He was looking for Steve.

As soon as their eyes met he knew there was no going back now, all he needed, wanted, was within his grasp.  Some small part of his brain yelled no, that’s not what you want!  But it was distant, and it faded and was soon forgotten.

“So you came,” Steve said, as soon as he was close enough.

Jensen nodded, short and sharp, anger evident in his eyes, but only second to need, and Steve knew it.

“Back here then,” He nodded his head in the direction of the toilets, and Jensen wanted to laugh at how utterly clichéd the whole thing was, but he was part of this cliché now. 

The thought made him want to throw up.

It didn’t stop him from following Steve though.

Ten minutes later found him slumped against the wall in the bathroom, legs spread out over the grimy floor, not caring what kind of dirt he was sitting in.

The needle was still in his arm, the plunger pushed down, as he waited…waited for anything, something.  But nothing happened; the familiar wash of euphoria never came.

Steve stood on the other side of the room, smoking a cigarette and blowing the smoke out of the open window, where it mingled with steam from the pipes and drifted away, before dissipating.

“Steve, what the fuck?”  He asked, standing up and pulling the needle out, before chucking it against the wall, “What the fuck!  What shit did you give me?  Thought you could scam me, huh?”

He strode forwards, grabbing Steve’s shirt and slamming him back against the wall; the cigarette fell out of his fingers and hissed as it landed in a puddle of water.

Steve’s eyes widened, but he spoke calmly, “Fuck, Jensen calm down, Jesus Christ, I don’t know what was wrong with it.  Maybe you just need more now.”

Jensen’s eyes narrowed, “Fuck you Steve, fuck this.  I’m getting out of this.  I’m gonna do it alone.”

“You say that Jen,” the pity lacing his tones made Jensen’s blood boil in anger, “But you see…you can’t just decide to do it, and do it.  I wanna help you, I do…but you gotta take it slow.”

“Like…wean myself off?”  Jensen asked.

Steve laid a hand on his shoulder, “Yeah man, that’s exactly what I mean.”

Jensen knew, somewhere inside of him, that he was just finding an excuse to keep on doing it, maybe just one more time, but he could feel that high again, he wanted it.

“Ok…I’ll try it your way.”  Jensen felt like he’d just sold his soul, or maybe he’d done that a long time ago, he couldn’t be sure.  Time seemed blurred and unfocused. 

He took the cigarette Steve was offering and lit up; blowing the smoke out of the window like Steve had done, and watching it disappear..

‘To the person in the bell jar, blank and stopped as a dead baby, the world itself is the bad dream.’

-          Sylvia Plath ‘The Bell Jar’ 

Reviews are like finding out Jensen like it when Jared sucks on those long candy chewy things =]