Jensen had been expecting anger, had been expecting a punch even maybe two, with Jared just letting loose on him.  He hadn’t expected this. Jared was looking at him with such fucking disappointment in his eyes, like Jensen had let him down.  In a way, he supposed he had.

“How could you do that Jen?”  Jared asked, Jensen flinched at the tone of his voice.  He would have rather had Jared yelling at him, fighting him, just so he could fight back.

This quiet disappointment that he couldn’t build up a defence against though, it cut through him right to his heart, and he hated himself for doing that to Jared.

“I…I…I’m sorry, Jay,” He whispered desperately, unable to voice what he was really thinking.

“I thought things were getting better Jen! We were…being normal again,” Jared spoke bitterly, spitting the words out.

Jensen couldn’t look him in the eye, and that revelation horrified him. He’d messed everything up, yet again, but he hadn’t been able to help it.  He hadn’t told Jared about Steve’s plan for him.  Hadn’t brought up any of what he’d done that night.

He’d come home the next morning, stumbling through the front door, reeking of smoke and sex.  Jared had taken one look at him and said, “Shower, now,” before grabbing the dogs, and storming out of the front door.

When Jared got back, Jensen was sitting nervously in the kitchen, sipping a glass of water, and waiting for him.  And that’s how he found himself in this position here and now.

“Jay,” he whispered, his voice cracking as he swallowed, “I have…I…”

“Jensen,” Jared said, his voice demanding, “I need you to tell me something.  I haven’t asked before because…well…I thought it was none of my business, but it’s obviously still affecting you.  I need to know why you started all this in the first place.”

The question caught Jensen off guard, and he jerked, slopping water down his wrist, “Damn,” he whispered, shaking the water droplets off and onto the floor.  He took extra time about it, attempting to delay the time until he had to answer the question.

“Jensen,” Jared said, his way of letting Jensen know he knew exactly what he was doing.

“I just…I needed an out,” Jensen said, hoping he could skirt the actual issue here; “I hadn’t told anyone about…the…gay thing, and was freaking out slightly.  I just, I can’t explain it man!”

Jared stepped closer to him, looking him straight in the eyes, beseeching him.  Jensen couldn’t look away; he was hypnotized by Jared’s eyes, as they bore directly into his own guilty ones.  He was so close, close enough to just lean forward and…

“Jensen,” Jared’s voice broke through his thoughts, and he jerked in surprise, flushing at the thought of what he’d so very nearly just done.

“What?”

“You can tell me anything you know, I won’t…judge you…” Jared was practically whispering. He brought his hands up and rested them on Jensen’s shoulders, gripping him tightly, trying to get his determination across, “Please Jensen, you have to share this.”

Jared’s voice was melting all his defences, all the walls he’d worked so hard to construct were crumbling as Jared continued to hold him, to keep him safe.

Jared’s arms encircled him, pulling him in tighter, and he burrowed his face in the curve of Jared’s neck, inhaling deeply, forgetting himself for a moment. It was only when Jared stiffened suddenly that Jensen realised what he’d done.  Shit, I just smelled his hair!

Jared pulled back, a curious look on his face. He was still so close, too close, “Jensen, what…?”

As if he had just noticed their proximity, he broke off, his breath puffing out so close, Jensen could feel it on his lips, and a flash of wantneed rushed through him. The pull was so similar to how he felt about heroin, but the reason and the situation were so different.

He didn’t recognise his voice when he whispered Jared’s name into the space between them. It was hoarse and husky, and Jared shivered in response. Something, something nameless was happening here, and Jensen didn’t want to think about it for too long, he just licked his lips nervously, not noticing Jared’s eyes tracking the movement.

He just stared nervously at the area around Jared’s eyes, watching a drop of sweat track its way down Jared’s temple, his heart beating irregularly at the tension between them. Jensen was sure Jared must hear his heart beating in the silence of the kitchen, and the sizzling air between them made him think that he’d probably explode if nothing happened in the next minute. 

It was that thought that made him tilt his face upwards, unconsciously tracing the shape of Jared’s lips with his eyes. He leant forward, noticing that Jared’s eyes had fluttered shut an instant before he pressed his lips tentatively to Jared’s.

In that heartbeat of a moment, Jensen forgot everything he’d been hiding from for the past months. His barriers fell, and all defensive walls crumbled at the rush of feeling this one kiss evoked in him.  He felt the smooth slip-slide beneath his lips, as Jared’s lips parted in a surprised ‘o’, and Jensen had no fucking clue what he was thinking anymore.  His brain buzzed with the electricity running through him, as he brought a hand up to rest on Jared’s arm, and he slipped his tongue between Jared’s lips, losing himself in the feeling.

It was only when Jared made a noise in the back of his throat, a noise which sounded horrifyingly like ‘no’, that Jensen’s eyes snapped open, and he realised how much he had fucked up.

He’d ruined everything, all the hiding had been for nothing, now that Jared knew.

He pulled away quickly, numb with horror, and unable to look at Jared.  He didn’t want to see the shock there, or worse, the disgust.

Jared seemed frozen, standing stiff and wary, still too close and, at the same time, too distant.  It was altogether too much, and too little, and Jensen was too confused to even pretend that his thoughts were making sense.  He just needed out and away, before Jared would confirm his fears, and say something to break him even more.

“Jen…” the cracked whisper brought him to a halt in the doorway through which he’d been about to flee.  He turned slowly, still not looking Jared in the eye, staring instead at his shoes.  Huh, he hadn’t known Jared had orange flip-flops, how much else didn’t he know about him?  How could he have fallen for a guy when he didn’t know what colour flip-flops he had?!  Okay, Jensen, calm down.

“I’m sorry,” He said, his voice sounding too loud in the deafening silence, and he wished he hadn’t spoken, hadn’t said anything at all. 

Jared shifted slightly, but didn’t say anything, although his mouth opened as though he was searching for the words.  Jensen guessed he just couldn’t find them.

He turned and walked out of the room, still unable to believe he’d done such a stupid thing.  He felt like banging his head repeatedly against the wall and wished, more than anything, that he could fix this somehow.

~**~

He stood on the street corner, hoping to see Jared’s lanky form running down the street, his ridiculously loud voice yelling his name, and his stupid wide eyes showing his love and affection. 

No one came, and Jensen sighed and looked down the street.  It was only eleven o’clock in the morning, and he didn’t really have anywhere to go.  The idea of home only brought a picture of an empty house and loneliness into his head, so he did the only other thing he could think of, even though he knew what a foolish idea it was.

He hadn’t realised he was crying until the salty tang reached his lips, and the taste suddenly flooded his mouth.  He blinked in confusion, feeling another tear overflow from his eyes and drop suddenly, tracing the path of his cheek.

He flipped open his phone and dialled the number, listened to it ringing; a small part of him wishing he wouldn’t pick up so Jensen could ignore this, and just go home.  A larger part of him, however, yearned for release and oblivion.  So he could just forget this day had ever happened and move on.

“Hello?”

“Chris…it’s me”

Chris sounded surprised, “Jensen.”

Jensen bit his lip, risking one last, swift glance in the direction of Jared’s house, searching the front windows for movement, praying, hoping.  But they remained dark and still, and Jensen made up his mind, “Where are you now?”

“I’m at home. Hey, so Steve said you stopped by last night.  How come you didn’t say hi?”  Chris sounded like he didn’t know what had happened.

“I was…distracted, sorry”

“M’sure you managed to find someone to have a good time with,” Chris sounded amused, and Jensen wanted to scream at him, wanted to blame him for everything that had happened, but he knew that was just petty, and would be ignoring the fact that it was, basically, his own fault.

“So can I stop by now? You’re not too busy are you?”  Jensen tried to sound casual, but Chris knew him too well.

“What happened?”  His voice was suddenly more alert, as if he could tell it was something big.

“Just…nothing…can I just come over?”  Jensen sounded weary even to his own ears, and he wondered how much he was freaking Chris out right now.

“Sure yeah, come over, Steve’ll be back in a couple of hours, he had to go…out,” Chris’s voice trembled slightly, and Jensen would have asked what was wrong, should have asked, but Jared’s front door suddenly opened, and he shrank back against the wall. He forgot what Chris was saying, and watched as Jared walked the opposite way down the street, his strides long and sure, and his back straight.

“I’ll be over in a few minutes,” He said before hanging up.

It was the strangest sensation, he felt numb and stiff, and there wasn’t even a part of him yearning and needing like there usually was.  Not in this moment.  Right now, heroin was secondary, as he remembered the way Jared’s lips had felt under his.

~**~

Jared stood frozen to the spot, unable to move, or stop him as Jensen pulled away suddenly from the kiss.  There were a thousand thoughts running through his head, and he had no idea how to voice any of them.  He wanted to reach out and grab Jensen, pull him back, so he could kiss him properly. Let  him know he’d only reacted that way because he was surprised.

Jensen was already leaving before he managed to make his voice work, and even then all he could get out was the name, “Jen...”

It didn’t fix anything. He hadn’t thought it would.  All he could do was watch as Jensen walked out of his house, and even then he still couldn’t move.  There was only one thought running through his brain; Jensen just kissed me.  Jensen just fucking kissed me, and I didn’t do anything.  Jensen.

Oh god, and where had Jensen gone?  Jared’s eyes widened as he realised what Jensen would inevitably do, where he would go.

The air rushed into his lungs in a horrified gasp, and he grabbed his phone and keys, before walking quickly out of the house and randomly choosing a direction.

He can’t have gone far. 

‘I've seen the needle
and the damage done
A little part of it in everyone
But every junkie's
like a settin' sun.’

-          Neil Young ‘Needle and the Damage Done’

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