Jensen went to bed thinking of Jared, and woke up with the events of the previous night running through his mind. He knew he shouldn’t start overanalyzing the situation, that he should just go with it, and accept that Jared apparently felt this way, but that wasn’t enough. It was too much.
He shook his head and got out of bed, stretching, and desperately trying to ignore the way his stomach churned uneasily. He had something else to focus on now.
The smell of coffee drew him into the kitchen, where Jared was pottering about humming to himself. When Jensen cleared his throat to announce his presence, Jared jumped slightly and turned around quickly, staring at Jensen with wide eyes.
Oh shit. There was an awkward silence where both men just stood frozen, unable to voice their thoughts, or close the distance between them.
“So…”
“Jared…”
They spoke at the same time, and then stopped quickly, each waiting for the other to continue. Jared saw the way Jensen paled, and how his eyes already looked sadder, more haunted, and took a deep breath, he had to fix this before Jensen took off running again.
“Jensen…I’m not going to apologize for what I did last night, but please don’t freak out on me. We can…you can, forget it ever happened…if you want. I don’t think I can but, I’ll try…for you.”
Jensen’s eyes widened at his words, and he stepped forward, instinctively trying to stop Jared from withdrawing too soon, “Jared, no that’s not it at all! I want…this,” he swept his arm between them, trying to emphasise what exactly he meant, “whatever this is. I’ve wanted it for a long time. I just…can’t do it unless you’re serious about it. This isn’t just some…experiment for you?”
Jensen waited for Jared to reply; aware of what exactly it was he’d just admitted to. He might as well have just told Jared he wanted to marry him or something, he sounded clingy and annoying, and Jared was gonna walk out that door…
Jared, however, did not walk away. In fact, he walked closer to Jensen, until their faces were inches apart, and Jensen really hoped Jared was about to kiss him, because otherwise he didn’t think he could be held responsible for his actions.
Jared ran his fingers up Jensen’s neck and gripped his chin loosely, turning his face upwards until Jensen was looking straight into his eyes. It was as though Jared saw past the defences he’d worked so hard to keep up over the past months, and Jensen put all his trust into the other man and let his eyes flutter shut.
The feeling of Jared’s lips ghosting over his would never get old he decided, as Jared leant down slowly. Last night seemed like years ago, a dream that he’d had, something he’d imagined. Jared had kissed him, and there had been a moment of perfection. Then he’d smiled softly and left the room, leaving Jensen spiralling down into a whirlpool of emotions.
But this was now, this was real, and Jared’s tongue slipping over his lips, demanding entrance, brought him straight back to the here and now. He yielded to him, let him in and Jared groaned, deep and low, and pushed him back against the wall, until their bodies were melded together, every inch burning with sensation.
Jensen arched his neck, exposing the skin for Jared to suck and nibble, and Jensen couldn’t help the moans that escaped as Jared whispered his name huskily into his skin, the vibrations making nerves he hadn’t known existed tingle.
After all this time, it was finally happening. Jensen was finding it a little hard to wrap his head around it all, but then Jared sucked his lower lip into his mouth, and all thought promptly fled from Jensen’s brain, as he submitted to pure, unadulterated desire.
Jared was almost attacking him by this point and Jensen realised, belatedly and with minimal shock, that his passion was fuelled mostly by desperation, as if he was trying to anchor Jensen to this place with his kisses.
Jared was whispering words against him, building up a wall of safety around him with his promises, “I’ll help you Jen…you’re gonna be ok…I’ve got you…won’t let anyone hurt you…I’m here…don’t go…”
Jensen groaned, and pressed his lips harshly back against Jared’s, letting his hands wander, exploring Jared in a way he hadn’t been able to before.
Jensen could feel how hard Jared was against him, and his knees almost buckled when Jared shifted just an inch and their erections brushed.
“Jesus Jared,” Jensen panted into his mouth, drawing away for a second, “What…you sure…?”
Jared licked his lips, looking Jensen straight in the eye, and inched his hand slowly closer and closer, sliding up Jensen’s thigh, all the while his lips were quirked slightly in a mischievous smile.
Jensen let his head fall back against the wall, keep eye contact with Jared, watching his pupils dilate with lust as his hand reached its destination, undoing the tie on the thin tracksuit trousers he slept in. Jensen unwittingly bucked his hips forward, gasping as Jared’s hand slipped down inside his pants and circled the head of his cock gently.
“Fucking fuck, Jared just…come on…” Jensen babbled; the slight touch almost too much, too little, too soon, too slow.
Jared leaned forward and nibbled his earlobe, gently whispering soothing promises into his ear, his hot breath tickling and making him shiver slightly, even though the heat between them was almost unbearable.
Jared tugged lightly on his cock, stroking and bringing him closer and closer to the brink, all the while keeping his lips occupied with breathless kisses.
Jensen bucked against him, seeking more friction, desperate to reach the end, but unwilling to have this moment be over. Having Jared pressed against him, this intimately was something he’d only just discovered, but wanted again and again. In that moment, those minutes in the kitchen against the wall Jensen forgot entirely about everything else, about the heroin and his addiction, because now he had Jared he felt stronger and he didn’t need anything else.
Then Jared twisted his hand slightly, and Jensen gripped his sweaty hands onto Jared’s hips, sliding against him, tongues twisted as he came, gasping and panting against Jared.
Jared didn’t pull away though. He thrust mindlessly against Jensen; hands slipping against sweaty skin, grasping his neck, the back of his head, pulling their faces together, their lips barely touching as they mingled coffee-tinted breath.
Jared shuddered slightly, nipping along Jensen’s jaw line, and then he let his head fall into the curve of Jensen’s neck, panting lightly against his collarbone.
They stayed like that for a few minutes, just revelling in being close and together, free from the drama that had haunted their relationship recently.
Jensen should have known it was too good to last.
~**~
He had been ignoring it all day, that pressing urge building up inside of him. But he couldn’t stop the thoughts from flitting about inside his skull like an infection. It coursed through him, the need.
Jared noticed it, Jensen knew he noticed it, but neither of them said anything, each silently hoping it would just magically get better somehow.
They had been so close to what they both deserved.
It wasn’t until they were eating take-away in front of the TV that evening, and Jensen had to run to the bathroom, just in time to vomit up the rice he’d just eaten, that Jared broached the topic.
“This isn’t over, is it?”
Jensen looked up from where he was currently kneeling in front of the toilet and bit his lip, blinking to clear the tears which had sprung up as the bile tore open his throat.
“No”
“You need help Jen…please,” the desperation in Jared’s voice was so poignant Jensen had to turn away to avoid the shame he felt welling up inside of him.
“I just…need…more,” he whispered, not wanting to beg or plead in front of Jared, but fully aware that if this continued, that is what he would end up doing. He’d done it before.
“What about Steve and Chris? They were getting off it, weren’t they? They can help you…right?”
So many questions that Jensen just couldn’t answer. He stood up and pushed past Jared, walking out into the hallway.
“Jensen, please, this is important! Hiatus is over in a month, you can do it in that time if you try. Please just try…fucking want it!” Jared strode forward, grasping Jensen’s shoulders and spinning him around so they were facing each other, his eyes were narrowed and his tone was fierce “You do want to give it up, don’t you?”
“Of course! I don’t want to be fucking dependant on this anymore Jay! I want off. I want off so I can be with you and go back to work. To be normal again, and have things the way they were, because then I was normal, even if I wasn’t happy!”
Jared’s eyes widened, and Jensen belatedly realised what he’d just said, “What do you mean, you weren’t happy?”
“I was…I,” Jensen started, but trailed off, frozen on the spot, with absolutely no idea what he could say.
“Before all this, something made you want to start that,” Jared said, working through the steps, figuring it through in his mind, “You weren’t happy, so you started on the heroin…why weren’t you happy?”
Jensen just shook his head, the lump in his throat stopping him from speaking. Even if he could form words, he didn’t know what he’d say.
“Was it…” Jared hesitated, unwilling to broach the topic, “was it…about….us?”
Jensen looked away, wishing he could be anywhere but here right now. This was too personal. He didn’t want Jared to know how pathetic he’d been, one mistake, one false judgement, and he’d been lost to the drugs, and he didn’t want Jared to think it had been about him.
“It was, wasn’t it.” It wasn’t a question, “Jesus Jen…you could have talked to me…or Steve or Chris or anyone! Hell, you could have talked to fucking Kripke man! You had other options; you’re not a weak willed man Jensen. I know you. You could have said no! You could have resisted it…”
Jensen splayed his hands across Jared’s chest, gripping his t-shirt and scrunching up the material in his fists, “Yes! Ok, yes! I could have. But I didn’t, I made a stupid mistake. Then I did it again and again, and by then it was too late. People make mistakes, Jared! Mine just happened to be fucking colossal compared to others. I’m sorry; you don’t think I want to be like this, do you? Now that I know you feel the same way just…fuck. I regret it more than anything!”
Jared took Jensen’s fists in his hands, gently removing them from his t-shirt, and wrapping his own large palms around them, pulling Jensen into a tight hug, “Jensen…this is so fucked up.”
Jensen made a muffled noise of agreement against Jared’s chest, and let himself relax into his friend’s…no, lover’s grip.
~**~
Jared had managed to convince Jensen to go back to bed, the dark circles under his eyes giving away the deep exhaustion he must have felt.
Jared watched Jensen as he fell quickly into sleep, his chest rising and falling steadily, eyelids fluttering with whatever dream was playing out in his head.
He’d been naïve to think that everything would just be fixed if he could only draw Jensen up from the darkness engulfing him. He knew better now.
He flopped onto the couch back downstairs and flicked on the TV, not really paying attention, just needing the background noise in the otherwise still house. Being that close to Jensen today had been amazing, unforgettable, and now he was craving his presence all the time.
He chuckled lightly to himself, shifting on the couch so his feet were hanging over the edge, squirming uncomfortably as something poked his back.
He stuck his hand down the side, rifling past old batteries and pieces of paper that had been crammed down there over the years, until he felt the corner of something, and drew it out.
He blinked, and then a slow smile crept onto his face. It was one of the leaflets the paramedics had left him. He’d just chucked them on the couch, and when he and Jensen had been watching TV earlier they must have fallen down the side.
But this was the solution he’d been looking for. Jensen could get help; he’d be better in time for filming to start again, and no one had to know. Jensen wouldn’t lose his job, and Jared would have his Jensen back, the one he’d fallen in love with to start with. Jared just hoped he wasn’t wishing for too much.
‘Don't kid yourself
and don't fool yourself
this love's too good to last
and I’m too old to dream’
- Muse ‘Blackout’
Feedback is like having Jensen sing to you....while Jared gives you a massage =]
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credulesque) wrote,
complacent
