The hearse drove past silently, leaving in its’ wake a trail of solemnly clad mourners.  The silence was almost deafening as Jared surveyed the crowd of people. Some were openly crying, others were standing as if shell-shocked, with wide eyes and trembling lips.

He stood at the back, watching, as one by one, certain people walked slowly forwards to drop flowers or a handful of dirt into the grave.  He’d always hated funerals, but this one hurt especially.

He watched as a familiar figure edged up to the grave and dropped a single rose in, blinking in shock when the rose hit the coffin, scattering loose dirt further into the grave.  Jared stepped forward as Jensen walked away from the grave, hoping he could help.

“Do you want to…tell me about her?”  He asked hesitantly, not sure how close to the deceased Jensen had actually been.

Jensen bit his lip and looked away momentarily, before replying in a quiet voice, “Her name was Gloria, we were…friends, I guess.  She helped me through a lot of the really bad times. She could relate, you know?  She’d been there, and gotten through it.  She’d been clean for over two months, and then…”

Jensen trailed off, and Jared remembered muttered comments he’d overheard on the way into the cemetery.

“I heard she OD’d”

“Heroin, wasn’t it?”

“Shame really, she’d been clean for so long…life was starting to look up for her.”

Jared said nothing, but he slipped his hand into Jensen’s, squeezing it tightly, showing he was here, and that he was going to stay here.  But his stomach rolled uneasily at the thought of Jensen having to seek comfort from someone else.  He hated that he couldn’t have been there for him during those weeks.

Jared understood the reasons, knew that outside influences couldn’t be trusted during his time at the clinic.  But it still stung, that there had been this moment of Jensen’s life that Jared would never be part of, never understand.

“Let’s just…go,” Jensen said, casting a last glance at the crowd of people standing around the grave, and blinking away the tears gathering in his eyes.

Jared nodded mutely, and led the way out of the cemetery, gripping Jensen’s hand so tightly he could feel bones cracking, but not wanting to let go, because a new fear was gripping him.  One so intense and so cold that it made him squeeze even harder, because what if Jensen gave way eventually as well? 

What if one day it all got to be too much and he followed in Gloria’s footsteps, giving up on hope and life, and submitting to the needle once more?

~**~

Days passed in a blur of packing, joking, and kissing. All too soon, they were back in Vancouver, back to their lives.

LA seemed so distant now, and everything that had happened there seemed like a dream, fuzzy and long ago.  Jared hoped that would help Jensen leave it behind, but sometimes he still had that haunted look that said it wouldn’t be that simple.

Jensen was staying at Jared’s house, trying to be subtle about their relationship, but the longer glances and whispered touches were glaringly obvious.  Kim let them know, the first week back on set, just exactly how obvious they were being.

“So, someone get lucky last night?”  He asked casually during their lunch break, a small smile playing around the corners of his mouth.

Jensen froze, increasingly aware of the way Jared’s hand was gripping his lightly under the table, “Why do you ask?”

“Just that Jared’s grinning like a freaking loony,” Kim said, definitely not smirking.

Jared quickly dropped Jensen’s hand, and desperately willed the flush that was creeping up Jensen’s neck to stop, because it was making him look guilty, and they definitely had nothing to be guilty about, “I’m just happy.”

“Sure.  So, when did you two numbnuts finally decide to get together then?”  He asked casually, as though he wasn’t dropping the conversation stopper of the century.

Jensen gaped at him, and made a noise that sounded like, “Nuugghhh…?”

Jared subtly tried to step on his foot to stop the noise from escaping, but it was too late.  Kim just stared at them, and smiled obligingly, “It’s kinda obvious, what with the sappy lovey dovey looks you two keep sharing.”

“Wha…?”  Jared started to ask but Kim interrupted.

“Oh, and you couldn’t have waited another month, could you?  I lost fifty bucks, thanks to your libidos.”

Then he grabbed a bread roll off of Jensen’s plate and walked off, humming under his breath, leaving Jared and Jensen gaping at his back.

“What just happened?”  Jared finally managed to ask, still staring at the space Kim had vacated.

“I think…Kim just outed us…on behalf of…us?”  Jensen replied, sounding more confused about it than Jared.

It wasn’t until later in the day that they got confirmation of their suspicions, when Eric called them to stay behind after they’d cut for the day.

“So boys, I’m to understand you’re…together now?” He stated bluntly and squirmed slightly.  Eric didn’t do well in serious situations.

Jared licked his lips nervously and nodded once, holding his breath.  Jensen looked like he might pass out; his face had gone so pale.

“Well,” Eric continued, swallowing uncomfortably, “That’s erm…fine, you know, good for you, just…” here he looked up at them with pleading eyes, “Don’t end up having a massive quarrel and splitting up, and then having it be really awkward around here, and one of you ends up storming off set and the show gets ruined, or I have to end up casting some jackass wannabe in one of your places, because, I actually like you guys.”

He broke off gasping slightly for breath after the long tirade.  Jensen and Jared just stared at him, but then what he’d really said broke through the shock, and Jared grinned.

“Are you serious?  You’re…okay with this?”

Eric nodded and, although he looked a bit grey in the face at the prospect of a lover’s quarrel ruining his show, he managed a small smile, “If it gets you both as happy as you are now, then yeah, I guess it’s worth the risk.”

Jared could have hugged the man.  He settled for saying, “Thanks Eric.”

Eric reached out and awkwardly patted them both on the shoulder, before muttering something under his breath, and turning to walk away.

“Most awkward conversation…ever,” Jensen said, as soon as he was out of earshot.

Jared started laughing, and found that he couldn’t stop, the nervousness he had felt before was dissipating into body-wracking chuckles. Jensen soon joined in, after he had stared at Jared in consternation for a few seconds.

“What’s…so…funny?”  He gasped between giggles.

“I have no…freaking idea…” Jared returned, and they both burst into fresh peals of laughter, bending over and clutching their stomachs.

~**~

Later that night, they found themselves back at Jared’s place, slouched comfortably on the couch; drinking themselves into a comfortable daze, and watching people shoot at each other on TV.

“So, I guess we’re…really doing this then,” Jared said, after a few minutes silence.

Jensen nodded slowly and replied, “That’s…alright with you?” 

He sounded unsure and vulnerable, and Jared reached over to rub a hand over his thigh comfortingly, “Course it’s alright Jen.  It’s what I want…you know I…love you.”

Jensen thought he would never get tired of hearing Jared say those words. As corny as it sounded, he’d been waiting for them so long that it felt like such a release when it’d finally happened.

“I love you mpppphhh…” his reply was muffled, as Jared suddenly sprawled on top of him and attacked his mouth with a kind of fierce desperation.

“Don’t go back…” Jared muttered into his mouth, and Jensen blinked in confusion.

“Go back where?”

“Just…don’t, not back to that…place you were in.  Stay like this, stay with me, please?”  Jared looked up from where his head was laying against Jensen’s chest, wide eyes betraying his fear.

Jensen was shocked at the worry he saw in Jared’s eyes, pulling him in and smothering him in safety, “I’m…not…I promise.”

Jared still looked scared, and was starting to grip Jensen’s waist much too hard, “I just…don’t want you to end up like…her.  I can’t…”

Jensen gripped Jared’s arms, and pulled him up until their faces were closer, “I’m not going back.  Ever.”

Jared nodded slowly, and then let himself fall forwards until his lips met Jensen’s.  Jared kissed him like he would disappear if he didn’t, tongues battling against each other, and hard planes of his body flush against the other man’s.

Jared’s fingers brushed over the scars on Jensen’s arms, soothing and healing and Jensen let himself melt into Jared, breathing out as finally he was where he wanted to be.

Jared slipped a hand under Jensen’s shirt, brushing hot fingers over his chest and bringing the hem of his shirt over his head. He did the same for himself, until they were lying together, skin burning between them.

Jared pressed soft kisses over Jensen’s chest, moving down his body until he was nestled between his legs.  Jensen gasped, as Jared skimmed his fingers over his crotch and began working on his belt buckle.

“Jared…” Jensen moaned his name, as Jared finally got his jeans rolled down far enough and took Jensen into his mouth, sucking and swirling his tongue around the head.

Jensen bucked his hips upwards and groaned, low and deep in his throat, almost feral. It awoke a raw, burning passion in Jared as he tugged at his jeans in frustration, trying to get the button undone.

“Want…in you Jen, I’m gonna fuck you so hard you can’t fucking walk tomorrow,” Jared growled as he yanked his jeans down, and reached into the pocket for the bottle of lube he had put there earlier. 

In any other situation, Jensen would have made a sarcastic comment about how possessive Jared was being but, right there and then, he was too fucking turned on to think about such things rationally.

Jared was coating his fingers and pushing them into Jensen before he realised what Jared was doing, and he jerked backwards on the sofa in shock, “Fuck Jay!  Oh god.”

“Shh,” Jared whispered soothingly, “I’ll make it good, you’re gonna come so hard.”

Jensen whimpered a breathy moan against Jared’s lips as he bent down to kiss him as he slipped a second, then a third finger inside of him.

“You gonna fuck me or what?”  Jensen panted impatiently, thrusting against Jared’s fingers, and throwing his head back and moaning as they brushed his prostate.

“Jesus Jen,” Jared said in wonder as he slipped inside him, tight heat engulfing his cock, and making him groan, as waves as pleasure lapped over him.

“Come on, fuck me Jay.”

Jared thrust forwards, aiming to hit Jensen’s prostate, and evidently succeeding, by the way Jensen’s eyes widened and he bit down on his lip, tightening his hands around Jared’s biceps.

Jared grunted as he thrust, and almost fell off the couch when Jensen reached up and bit down lightly on his nipple.  Jensen grinned wickedly at him, and slipped his hands around his neck, bringing him down to kiss him, heated and deep.

Jared reached a hand between their sweaty bodies to wrap his long fingers around Jensen’s cock, stroking and pulling and twisting, until Jensen was jerking unsteadily up into his grip. 

“Gonna…nggg,” Jensen groaned, and bit down on Jared’s shoulder, as his body shuddered from the twin sensations of having Jared in him, and wrapped around his cock.

Hot come spurted over Jared’s hand, and he stroked Jensen through his climax, bringing up his hand to lick as he continued pumping unsteadily into Jensen.  Muscles tightened around him, as Jensen leaned up to lick his come off Jared’s hand, engulfing his fingers with his mouth, lapping it up.  Jared groaned at the sight and thrust in deep, as he came with a choked off shout.

Jared collapsed down onto Jensen, hot skin sliding against together.

“…fuck,” Jared whispered into Jensen’s neck.

“I love you Jared,” Jensen said unexpectedly, staring down at him.

Jared looked up in minor shock, but smiled so brightly Jensen had to grin back, “You’re such a sap.”

Jensen’s grin froze, that wasn’t the answer he’d been expecting.  He slapped Jared lightly on the ass, “You’re such a bitch.”

Jared laughed, a burst of energy coming from nowhere else, other than the unexpected warm love he felt for Jensen, “I love you too, dude.”

“You can’t say dude after that!”  Jensen said in mock outrage.

Jared snorted, “Sorry, but seriously,” he managed to raise his head so he could look into Jensen’s eyes, “I do love you.  A whole fucking much and we’re never going to have some lame argument that means you’d have to quit, okay?”

“Why would I be the one to quit?”  Jensen asked curiously.

“I dunno; ‘cause you’re the pansy wimp?”  Jared laughed.

Jensen rolled his eyes, “Let’s not even start man, I’m fucking tired.”

“Go to sleep,” Jared said, huddling closer to him, wrapping their limbs together in an unbreakable knot.

Jensen scooted in even closer, trying to feel as much of Jared against him as possible. Here he felt safe and secure.  The weeks of pain and anger were behind him now.

Now, here with Jared, he could start again.